The Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

 1.Accepting of body vs. Uncomfortable with body – This characteristic may tend to be more of an issue for women than for men but both husbands and wives need to learn to love and accept themselves and make peace with their bodies as imperfect as they may be. Women especially struggle with body image issues, so not working through and overcoming body image struggles will contribute to a reticence to engage sexually. On the other hand, when women are able to accept their body as is even embracing and confidently sharing themselves sexually, they are able to more fully and completely let go and enjoy the intimate experience with their spouse—thus creating a stronger connection.

The self-talk of this healthy acceptance would sound like, “I like who I am. I accept my body and I’m happy to share it with you.”[iv] Men can develop this healthy self-acceptance as well, but it is less likely for negative thoughts about their appearance to dominate their minds. Unhealthy sexuality includes dissatisfaction with your spouse’s body because it can’t compete with surgically and digitally enhanced bodies often seen in media. Some will subtly or overtly pressure their partners to have their bodies surgically altered or enhanced. Both spouses need to accept the other’s body even if not in tip-top shape or it increases feelings of rejection and adds more resistance to opening up sexually.

2. Affection for its own sake vs. Affection only leading to sex – Affection or loving touch is needed in a marriage for its own sake—not just as something that leads to sex. Many women over the years have told me how they remember when they decided to simply stop touching their husbands because it always led to sex. That may not be the best way for either spouse to address issues of unmet needs but is a typical response. It’s a common characteristic of unhealthy sexuality where one asks for respectful behavior from the other but doesn’t receive it, so they just withdraw altogether.

Men might similarly decide to stop doing something loving because it doesn’t lead to their desired outcome. It’s an issue for both spouses to consider.  Healthy sexuality means that both husbands and wives are able to enjoy non-sexual touch or affection for its own sake, not solely as a precursor to sex. The spontaneous-desire spouse may think why just cuddle or hold hands when you can have the bigger bang of sex? In reality, both are necessary in a healthy marriage because there’s a need for non-sexual affection separate from, and in addition to frequent lovemaking.